Funk

I think that's what they call it, this thing I've fallen into. Not sure when or why, but it's one of those things that kind of creeps up you, almost like a trio of friends bearing sad news, lingering on the periphery and waiting for some moment of seeming strength to deliver their unwelcome message when the trauma might be borne best. But eventually they grow weary, just as you do of their fretful procrastination, and there you are--you looking at them, them looking at you--and you welcome then the acknowledgement of your own unhappiness. So you look at yourself and you take stock. Love interest? There for over a year now, but as a relationship unfulfilling, stressful and mostly lame. Friends? Really close friends? Mostly far away, and growing more distant every day as your interaction with them is mediated via sporadic email and phone calls. Even here I've begun to have doubts about my choice of friends, the people I hang out with, the places I go, the things I do. And family? My family situation takes three forms: good but very remote, too remote to be very good, or simply... not there. Professionally I would describe myself as more or less stalled. Spiritually? Pretty bereft. Japan Experience? Japan has left me wanting. Wanting to be accepted for who I am, wanting to fit in, wanting to try harder to learn enough to realize those dreams, but realizing instead, finally, that it'll never happen. All the work, all the study, all the keen attention paid to cultural minutia mean that I'm simply less curious than the typical gaijin. As a consequence, I'm usually either frustrated or angry. I ask myself rhetorical questions. "Maybe I should start going to the gym" or "Maybe I should stop drinking" or "Maybe I should stay in more" or "Maybe I should go out more" or "Maybe I should buy that CD" or "Maybe I should think about networking to meet people" or whatever, I ask myself the questions we ask ourselves when you look within and find nothing there. I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore. What did I give up to be here? What did I gain? Does it matter? What matters, again?